What is a “happy couple?” A couple that never fights? For whom everything is sunshine and rainbows, negotiating life’s turns with ease and grace? Does this fabled couple exist? Perhaps it is more fitting to seek resiliency as a couple.
Mister Rogers compared the word “love” to the word “struggle,” in that it is an active noun. We must work at love. I doubt it comes easy to any couple. Perhaps the “happy couple” is the couple that can negotiate life’s clumsy turns and still come out the other side liking each other. Maybe they even come out the other side stronger from the ordeal.
Here are some things you can work at to strengthen your relationship.
1. Kindness
Esteemed relationship researcher John Gottman, Ph.D, has found that stable couples display a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction or criticism. Anything less than that 5:1 ratio predicts trouble for the couple. It may not be practical to carry a tally sheet around, but working to increase compliments, appreciation, help, encouragement, and support, while decreasing criticisms, mocking, name-calling, and eye rolling are key. Scan your environment for things to say “thank you” for. Imagine if your brain were a computer desktop. Keep a tab open for your partner. Note their likes, dislikes, worries, favorites, goals, dreams, etc. This is what Gottman calls “Love maps,” and they can help you connect with your partner (see #5).
2. Express Yourself
There is so much inner life we have that we never share with others, even our own partner. To a certain degree, this can be healthy. We need a distinct sense of self to avoid becoming enmeshed. At the same time, we sometimes avoid bringing up needs or feelings in order to avoid conflict or because we feel our partner understands or should understand already. This can be a mistake. Lose the assumption that your partner knows what you need or how you feel already. Clarify. Be explicit.
3. Empathy
This one can take some self-awareness. The next time you find yourself in conflict with your partner, ask yourself, “What’s it like to be in a relationship with me?” Be brutally honest with yourself. Another empathy-building tool is active listening. Try repeating back to your partner, using your own words and without adding your judgment or criticism, what you hear them telling you. They will either feel heard and understood, which is very helpful in calming down conflict, or if you’ve misunderstood, they have the opportunity to correct you. Be open to this. Remember that most conflict is not 100% the fault of one person. Be willing to accept responsibility for your role in the conflict and communicate that to your partner, unconditionally.I have a saying with clients when it comes to discussing conflict resolution. “No buts but the ones in our seats.” What I mean by that is to not negate an apology by adding a “but.” It tends to undo all that preceded it. Imagine hearing, “I know I was supposed to do the dishes, and I’m sorry, but I was really busy with all the other stuff I do around here,” versus, “I know I was supposed to do the dishes, and I’m sorry.” Lastly, once a partner apologizes, it may take time for the other partner to accept and forgive. Allow space.
4. Soften Your Approach
Speaking of conflicts, the way they start often predicts the way they’ll end. If a conflict starts with criticism and blame, it’ll likely end that way. Rather than that, if you have a complaint, try to approach your partner more like you would a respected colleague. Start by politely stating the facts, using “I” statements, and avoiding blame and judgments. “You said you’d do the dishes three days ago and now there’s a stinky mountain of them!” becomes, “The sink is full of dirty dishes and I feel really frustrated because we agreed you would wash them.”
5. Connect and Re-connect
Which is to say, you might have to dis-connect. From the many distractions we have in our modern world. Phones, tablets, computers, social media, over-working, TV, games, etc. By the time we wind down after a busy day, couples are often together-not-together. Each in their own world, in the same house or room but not connected to each other. Set up date nights. Ones that involve interacting. Walks, board games, carnivals, picnics: no electronics allowed (unless it is a shared experience that allows for interaction). In addition; plan a regular “check-in” time. A 20-minute or so meeting for checking in with each other’s needs, feelings, hopes, dreams, how am I doing, what can I do better, etc. Lastly, reminisce once in a while. Remember what drew you together in the beginning. Relive that feeling. Sometimes, what initially attracted us becomes the very thing that annoys us, and remembering the adorable view we once had of some characteristic can give us a different, and more forgiving, perspective. Couples that can fondly recall their initial attraction tend to be the ones that stick together. Nurture your positive memories together.
6. Not Everything Has To Be Fixed
As Dr. Gottman puts it, solve the solvable problems. At the same time, there will be issues that will simply always be there, as something to be managed, rather than resolved. Let go of perfection. For you, for your spouse, for your marriage.
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