Relating to Your Family as an Adult
28 December 11:00H POSTED BY JAMES OGLE, MSW, LCSW
Within a family system, there is a natural transition from being a child to being an adult. Adult children and parents may feel a sense of relief because there is no longer a discipline or upbringing role connected to the relationship. Adult children gain a sense of the world independent from their family thereby developing their own worldview. At times, adults may reflect on their family upbringing and recognize dynamics that can be improved. Some attempt to discuss these dynamics with their parents or siblings. During these conversations, conflict may arise.
If a family member cannot or is unwilling to acknowledge their perspective of the relationship, the adult child may be frustrated or hurt. Additionally, adult children may experience frustration when siblings or parents treat them the same as when they were a child. One might have heard the phrase ‘we do not get to pick our family,’ which I believe to be a valid point. When I work with a client experiencing these types of issues, I first work with them to accept that they are unable to change how their family members relate to them. I also assist clients to recognize that they are unable to control if family members are willing to consider their viewpoints and feelings. Additionally, I encourage people to consider that they are not able to change their families.
When clients find acceptance, I help them recognize that even though they are not able to change their families they can establish and set personal boundaries. I define personal boundaries as rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable and safe ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond if someone passes those limits. Boundaries can help people feel more comfortable during interactions with family members because they have established a limit and are not willing to engage in certain behaviors and interactions. However, one should be prepared that setting boundaries with individuals, including family members, may upset them. As we work through this process, I help clients weigh the balance of feeling more comfortable during interactions versus implementing actions that may make other people feel uncomfortable or defensive. In my experience, clients find a balance of accepting some of their family members’ behaviors and setting limits on behaviors they find unacceptable. This process can help adult children experience less anxiety and stress when they interact with family.
Jim is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who earned his Master’s degree in Social Work from Boston College. Having grown up in the North Shore area, Jim brings a familiarity of the community to the practice. He has been with Attention to Wellness for over a year and has over 16 years’ experience working with both adolescents and adults.
Jim has provided treatment in a variety of clinical settings to adolescents, adults, and families experiencing depression, anxiety, conduct issues, and other mood disorders. He brings six years’ experience working in court systems with youth on probation who were at risk of being removed from their home, and their families. Jim also brings experience providing anger management and drug counseling groups within multiple schools. Currently, Jim also works at a high school providing social work services to students who have an Individualized Education Program.
Jim’s approach with both adolescents and adults incorporates techniques from strengths-based, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy/Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (CBT/DBT), Motivational Interviewing, and Structural Family Therapy to help clients identify and eliminate barriers that inhibit them from achieving their goals.
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